I’m going to be 40 years old this summer, and today it dawned on me…I am probably only about 30 years old…Not by some miracle anti-aging remedy…but just being real here…I have lost so much time to worry…And believe me, those are ten years I wish I had lived.
I used to be an intense worrier, and while I have improved, it can still grip me like no other. Fear often strikes during the night, or a trigger if someone is not feeling well, or maybe an unforeseen bill in the mail, or a seemingly innocent word from my husband about work being slow that week. Sometimes the culprit is even unknown….I just start to spiral down with my thoughts, into a pit of worry.
Lately though, I have had a good grip on those thoughts, quickly turing them away and giving them to Jesus. Sometimes, I literally have to repeat in my mind, “JESUS.JESUS.JESUS,” over and over again just to drown out the other thoughts. He has given me the peace that surpasses all understanding, though because for so long my only understanding was to think ahead and worry about “what if.”
I guess in some ways, I needed my worry though…because without it I wouldn’t have realized that even when the worst seems to happen, it is always for our good. I needed to learn that worrying didn’t change anything. We always learned and grew closer to God in the hard times. He never left us. How many times I stressed about my husband’s work and finances, and then he DID lose his job- THREE times! Yet, here we are today, with a thriving family business, living our dream- because of the last job loss. My worry didn’t stop it from happening, and my worry didn’t change things. Yet, the outcome was for our good.
So much of the things I worried about never even came to fruition, and that is where the time in my life was lost. I would sit with my thoughts, letting them consume me, even unable to play with my kids or enjoy the family. Fear had gripped me. Even when I was in college, before kids, I can remember worrying about the future…what if I got sick, or didn’t ever get married, or have children. What if I died before living my dreams? Not one of those things came true, and I worried for so many days, nights, and weeks.
Yet, had they come true…would the worrying had stopped it? NO. God would have had me exactly where He wanted me. So there is nothing to worry about because He controls the future and He knows it already and He has planned it all for good.
There is nothing to worry about because I do know that my life and those I love WILL end someday, and I know WHERE I am going...and there is no fear. Holding onto things here is futile, because my will to hold onto them, is not what keeps them here.
It has taken me so long to make even baby steps in this area, and many times it was one step forward and two steps back. Yet since we moved into our home and things have been going so well, I even started to worry…when will it end? When will the rug be pulled out from us? When will we sink into the valley from this mountaintop? And you know what…I am missing out on the beauty of the moment HERE when I do that- I have SO much to enjoy right now, that is preposterous to sit here and worry when it will end. Otherwise, I am missing out on the beautiful gift of each moment.
All I know is today God has given me a mission. Right Here. Right now. Because if I were to meet Him face to face tonight, would I want my last moments to have been spent worrying about a nonexistent future? The last moments be spent in lack of faith? The beauty is, HE has every day numbered already and our job is to walk in faith waiting for it all to unfold, without trying to control the wrinkles in the unfolding. We are just to pursue each day in faith.
So, here I sit knowing that even my wasted time of worrying was not fully wasted because it did teach me, but oh, that I had LOVED those days instead of spending them in needless worry. So, all I can do now is muster up every ounce of faith, and know that this moment has already been planned by Him, even my typing of these words has been planned by Him…and walk each step of the day in His will trusting Him with all. I will live each moment knowing that whatever the future holds, hard times or bliss…He has made every step for a purpose.
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