Fighting the Doubts

I sit and watch my daughter, now a young lady, and remember all too quickly her little five year old laugh…that very first day of schooling…me, with much trepidation, yet excitement..bringing her outside for our very first lesson. We were learning about hearing, and I had her close her eyes and listen to her surroundings for five minutes. After time was up, she squealed, “I like this!” I laughed in delight too! We were so excited. Such a simple moment.

It was a delightful day, yet with an unknown future, completely relying on God for what would lie ahead. How quickly though we lost that laughter…before the weight of the world seemed to take over. We “have to do” so many things, we “have to” check off our list, we “have to” get involved…we “have to” get this right.

The simple laughter that came partly from nervousness and partly from great anticipation of what was to come, was gone
. It was replaced by all too often a nagging voice, or shamefully…a snapping one.

“You must do this. You must do that.” Deep in my mind, I woulds see endless visions of what I had seen online, or in a book, or sometimes probably just those that my own mind surmised as ideal.

Am I doing enough? Am I keeping up? Will I ruin the children? Why aren’t they behaving? Why aren’t they doing chores cheerfully? What am I doing wrong?

Yes, these question really did run through my mind as I would lie awake many nights, tossing and turning, feeling the weight of night and darkness, hoping we were doing the right things. Usually though, by the time morning came many of the fears would ease, and we would press forward with the day.

How quickly, when I started to take my eyes off of the calling and off of Him, did I worry. That worry came from the distractions. No longer were we walking forth in simple joy knowing He was holding us up; we were walking ahead of Him and trying to see the end of the path, with reassurances from others that we were doing it “right.”

Looking back, the joy of that first day came from knowing we were fulfilling a calling. We knew that we were answering God’s call for us to homeschool. We didn’t have a long term plan, but we knew that was where we belonged.

And we laughed. We laughed at the unknown future, because we knew it belonged to God.
I have learned His way is the only right way. It may not be comfortable. It may not be accepted. But I only answer to Him. His way is the only way, and His way doesn’t keep me up at night restless. It keeps me in peace because He gives me peace. I can trust an unknown future to a known God. I can trust Him in this, because He gave me these children to raise knowing I could never do it alone. I could only do it with His grace, mercy, and leading every step of the way.

These cold dark months can get weary. They can allow thoughts to creep in that are not from Him. We must keep our eyes ahead, trusting blindly at times. He keeps His promises. If He calls us to a mission, it our job to complete it without knowing the outcome, but knowing He already has determined the outcome. It is an all-surrendering posture on our knees daily. We must rid our minds of our doubts and fears, because He is in control. True surrender takes place only when we loosen the grip on our life, and give it all up to Him.

And as long as this journey feels, it really is so short. That spirited five year old, turned a young lady overnight. I don’t want to waste this journey worrying…but doing. I want to be completely trusting in His will for us, enjoying every step of the way. Head bent low in surrender, and eyes fixed on Him, saying each day, “Lead me, Lord. Where you take me, I go, willingly.”

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