This is a very transparent post. Very hard to write, but one I feel I must…I’m not sure if I can properly express in this post all that went on this past week and what I have learned but I will try. One thing I do know,
He is sovereign.
He is able.
He is mighty.
He is God.
He has taught me so many things through a trial this week, that my mind is still trying to comprehend it all, but I do know it was all for His glory- and it demonstrated His power.
As most of you know, I was scheduled to speak at ENOCH this past weekend. That in itself was a demonstration of the Lord’s power. That He is using this homeschooling mom to encourage others is at times still unbelievable to me. That He has given little ‘ol me voice. I was so thrilled to be speaking, and guess what…Satan did everything in His power to stop it.
The previous Monday before the convention, I woke up to find a mole that I have had my whole life but in a spot I can’t really see was bleeding, crusty, and inflamed. It was clearly scratched, but it was looking pretty gross. I shrugged it off for a bit, but then kept on thinking about it. I scanned the internet and what do I find staring at me, “Crusty, bleeding, moles are a sign of skin cancer. See your doctor immediately.”
That is when the ugliness of fear and worry took over. You see, I have proclaimed myself a recovering worrier. Well, at this moment, I had no longer recovered, I was right back in that ugly place. (be careful when proclaiming anything-deep down there still lies those weaknesses.)
I made an appointment for the next day at the doctor figuring they would tell me it was nothing to worry about, and I could move on.
Well, the next morning came, I was so worried I could barely think straight. The doctor took a look and said it needed to be biopsied. She said the mole looked, “angry.” She couldn’t tell if it was from the scratch or it had been looking like that first.
WHAT?? Wheres’ the comfort? Where’s the “Oh, you’re worrying for nothing?”
Nope. Just…“We’ll know more in 2 weeks when the results come in…”
That sent me into a tailspin all week. Every time I looked at the internet (a big no-no in this situation, but couldn’t help it) I found the same thing-once a mole has started bleeding and scabbing, it can be bad. I wondered how long it looked this way-my mind went to terrible places.
The ENOCH Convention came and by God’s grace I got through. I had let this ugly worry hang over me and what was supposed to be a very big day for me. Up until the last second with computer problems, things still went wrong, but guess what?
He always does.
When I spoke, He took over. I had to speak using His strength, because I had none of my own.
And the feedback from the attendees was great. For that I am grateful. All to HIs Glory.
I did receive my biopsy results and they are fine. Praise the Lord.
But I am grateful for this situation for it taught me so much.
Even though I wasn’t near death, in my mind I went there. Would I die young? What about my children?
I know my life is not my own. I say it all the time. I am His. But admittedly, when in the situation here is where the rubber really meets the road, and things change.
Could my faith not be as strong as I say? When tested to the max, did I falter? I was clinging to this life, when I know it’s temporal. I know that eternity is what matters.
The Lord has shown me so much. I am no more guaranteed life today because of a biopsy result than I was yesterday. At any moment, any of us can be gone.
It is time to truly live that way.
Stop letting anything hinder me from pursuing Him alone.
I have dreams to make Simply Living For Him a bigger ministry. Dreams to do more things. To live big. To love big. Not comfortably, but truly live for Him.
This situation has propelled me to do just that. I am seeing things in a whole new light. Just as when the scales were taken off my eyes when I discovered Jesus, this time I have been given anew.
Suddenly things that seemed big are small, and things that seemed distant are close. It has increased my desire to simplify, to put Him first and to live for Him alone.
Thank you Jesus for giving me new perspective and taking me down a road that was very uncomfortable in order to do so. Things sometimes must be difficult in order for us to be brought closer to Him.
I learned how very weak I am, and how much more I need Him than ever.
Now is the time to put my faith into action, and to truly believe every single word of His.
He receives ALL the glory for all of this. For me speaking under stress, for giving me strength when I thought I had none, and I will use this situation to always point to Him…
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